previously unpublished

i feel soooo dead.

i have about 7 books to read and i feel like taking a nap... right on top of all the unfolded laundry on my bed

my room is a giant mess.

move mountains

ps. this sort of shit always happens. aka ive been wanting to go to sasquatch festival since the beginning of time, aka grade ten, and when i implored the possibility of going to it back then, no one listened. now that i am completely uninterested in going, my friends are keen on going. ugh

here is the lineup for sasquatch festival, and the only ones i even remotely care about are m.i.a. and beirut and stephen malkmus and destroyer.

R.E.M. / The Cure / The Flaming Lips U.F.O. Show / Death Cab For Cutie / Modest Mouse / M.I.A. / Flight Of The Conchords / Rodrigo Y Gabriela / Michael Franti & Spearhead / The Breeders / Built To Spill / The Hives / The Kooks / Tegan & Sara / Ghostland Observatory / Ozomatli / The New Pornographers / Blue Scholars / The National / Stephen Malkmus & The Jicks / Cold War Kids / Beirut / Rogue Wave / Okkervil River / Fleet Foxes / Kinski / Mates of State / Sera Cahoone / Crudo (featuring Mike Patton & Dan The Automator) / Battles / Destroyer / Dyme Def / The Blakes / Pela / Jamie Lidell / The Cops / Dengue Fever / Siberian / Say Hi / White Rabbits / David Bazan / The Little Ones / "Awesome" / Dead Confederate / The Heavenly States / 65daysofstatic / Grand Archives / Vince Mira with the Roy Kay Trio / Joshua Morrison / Throw Me The Statue / J. Tillman / The Shaky Hands / Thao Nguyen with the Get Down Stay Down / Matt Costa / The Cave Singers

because you loved me

oh yeah. something in me broke this weekend, i dont know what, but as a result, i downloaded and listened to CELINE DION SONGS this morning. 100% true story. yes, i know it's fucked up. i really dont know why why why. i listened to "because you loved me" about 10 times, which is 10 times too many. at home mom had one celine dion cd that she played all the time and thats where i know the song from, really.

word.

park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me

jen and e-star, way back in the past. this is all you get because i am too
lazy to upload my new pictures that actually go with the content of this post

this was posted about 24 hours after it was written:

woooooooooooooo long and pointless day/nite.

woke up at noon, had an intense convo with ray over the phone for an hour, cleaned my room and did the dishes (which took two hours), ate "breakfast" at 3pm, talked on the phone with dara for an hour and a half, went grocery shopping, then met up with ester. we went to urban outfitters and she bought a fisheye camera (amazing), then we went to her grandparents' house and we walked their dog named Storm while i took pictures and called up my friends i knew to see if they were going to seri's big fucking housewarming party. adam is in hamilton so he didn't go, ray didn't because she had to do an interview for her assignment, nic has an out-of-town friend over and otie is having dinner with her feminist friends and this is the part i realize that i dont have many close friends. sam went, but she was (obviously) accompanied by kira and her crew, whom i obviously despise. even tho my entire floor went (seri used to live on my floor) and so did some journo kids, but the thought of being in the same room with them just made me want to heave. i didnt really feel like going anyway, i have these stupid days when i am trying to force myself to socialize but TOTALLY don't feel like it, aka i want to be alone away from crowds but simultaneously need someone and feel totally lonely, and think all day "im lonely, im lonely." ahahaha. that sounds pathetic on paper. anyway after walking storm in rosedale, esty and i went out for dinner at a thai place on yonge, then we contemplated these crazy and "deep" hypothetical situations while experimenting with her new fisheye camera. afterwards we bought a tub of ben & jerry's strawberry cheesecake ice cream and ate half of it between us when we got to ester's room. we tried ice cream on triscuit type crackers, it was v. delicious and it makes you feel like you're eating some kind of healthy snack, like cream cheese on fibrous crackers or something. aha aha aha. then we watched disney's beauty and the beast, which i now dub THE MOST AMAZING MOVIE EVER. by the first minute i was all, oh man, this is my childhood haunting me back again, i fell in love with it completely once more. by the time we were done the movie we just zoned out listening to music then she said she had to go to bed so i walked home at 2 in the morning while talking to my mom on the phone. i trapezed over drunk people in the street very efficiently while keeping a conversation going. now im at my desk and i realize i have ICE CREAM STAINS on my sweatshirt, which is, um, disgusting. i suppose i shouldn't have eaten in ester's bed. ester wanted to smoke cloves that joan gave her but i said ehn. btw i can sort of see how people get hooked on drugs. i should lay off smoking anything for a while. maybe get rid of this weird semi-reputation as a chronic. haha funny how i smoked cigarettes in montreal. nooot.



total spent for the day: $15 on groceries, $13 on dinner, $7 on ice cream (and i suppose ttc fare). total spent on the day is $35. hahaha.

when i was at urban outfitters, i had and impulse to buy all my furniture/whatevers from there for my house next year. haha who is a victim of consumerism?

saw hannah today, so good seeing her, every time i see her she reminds me that extremely intelligent and uncorrupted people still do exist on this miserable and wonderful planet.

i figure since it's already march 1st, i should make a birthday list. my birthday is in mere three months, you know. things i want:
- a colourful quilt from urban outfitters
- a thick sweatshirt
- charles mingus albums
- money for my summer trip?

i am in love with urban outfitters and its semi-snobby pretentious shit.

when i wake up in the afternoon i will be 700 pounds from all the ice cream i ate today.

not for all the love in the world

xiao told me she did acid yesterday with her friends because they were beyond bored. oooo dear lord. if i ever do drugs out of boredom, someone please SHOOT ME.

hey your eyes are shooting stars

watched before sunrise tonight, which was romantic bullshit wrapped up in awesome european setting (vienna) and good conversation and hot actors. julie delpy is fucking hot, she is half hippie with flowy hair and she has a manly walk. maybe all french women are. it was a good movie

then i listened to hole songs and wrote lyrics all over lara's facebook wall while i listened

hil invited me over to her house in nowheresville, ontario (population 2,400). sounds awesome i wanna go. ahahahahahaa.

just marinating in my exhaustion right now. after finishing my english essay at 9pm, i went swimming then went to the sauna then took forever having a shower and drying my hair at the gym. then i came back to rez and my room's a fucking mess and i have no food in my room and i really need to buy crackers or noodles.

listening to leonard cohen now and i really really should go to sleep soon.

tomorrow ray and i are going to go look at a potential future home IF everything goes according to plan. it's in the fucking annex ahahaha we are sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo awesome.

used to be one of the rotten ones and i liked you for that

kevin drew is pretty much superman

did you see him

i wish
i'm just going by your screenname

aha
aha
sry i am slow.

but bss has to be on my shortlist of like, five bands i need to see
itsok

i fell in love with him when i saw him

you said aha twice
yeah, i would too

he was sweaty and after the first encore he brought out a bag of lays chips and ate them.
they were sour cream and onion

my favourite flavour

ahahaha its meant to be eh

except once in a while when you get a really good bag of bbq

haha
mm bbq

when did you see them?

in 2006?
cant remember exactly
some year november

ah, right on
i missed the boat. they're too "trendy" now

ah i guess. i know what you mean

no, i still really want to. they just dont play anything except festivals and big city it seems like
same with every band
lame

aw
come out here

one of these years
actually, april.
but umm.. for baseball. not for bands

hahaha

i need a car
cars suck though. i need a fuel cell car
do anything fun tonight?

no not really actually. im really tired but i dont want to go to sleep
just lisetning to music and zoning out right now
what about you

went drinking for the second night in a row. and i pretty much graduate on wednesday, which mean more drinking. and talked about incubus a lot. weird
sleeping sux

you pretty much graduate on wednesday! whaaaaaaat.
doood

i know. terrifying

jebus

i still have half a semester left but it's "iron ring" day, which is a big cultish enginering rite of passage. and it's terrifying

oh you get your ring!
thats awesome haha

and a good excuse to have my stomach pumped
yeah!
i know.
it;'s going to be wonderful
and terrifying
anyway. i need to eat something and get to bed

cooooooooooool

have a good night

okies
you too
nites xo

ox makes more practical sense. ox

in that case ox

she obliterated everything she kissed

I am doll eyes
Doll mouth, doll legs
I am doll arms, big veins, dog bait
Yeah, they really want you, they really want you, they really do
Yeah, they really want you, they really want you, but I do too
I want to be the girl with the most cake
I love him so much it just turns to hate
I fake it so real, I am beyond fake
And someday, you will ache like I ache
Someday, you will ache like I ache
I am doll parts
Bad skin, doll heart
It stands for knife
For the rest of my life
Yeah, they really want you, they really want you, they really do
Yeah, they really want you, they really want you, but I do, too
I want to be the girl with the most cake
He only loves those things because he loves to see them break
I fake it so real, I am beyond fake
And someday, you will ache like I ache
Someday you will ache like I ache

woo whee woo i look just like buddy holly

yesterday the bunch of jschoolers and i went for dinner at pickle barrel. i think there were 10 of us there, sean amanda emilie krista josh lena bryan otie hil lee and me. hil and i were making fun of lee ALL night secretly. i guess it would take too fucking long to explain my condescension towards lee. anyway the girls (plus sean, of course, haha) ordered fucking HUGE margaritas that hil and i initially suspected were virgin margaritas because we felt nothing. then an hour later otie, hil and i were reeling from giddiness. lee ordered one too, purely out of peer pressure (she's been drinking age for eons but never drinks, partially because she is a socially awkward dumbhead who does not have friends.) hil and i were all, omgzorz, lee ordered a drink, let's see how drunk she gets, but by the end of the dinner, lee had taken maybe three sips total. ahahahahahahahaha so funnaaaaay. ok i guess you had to be there.

hil and i were sitting right beside each other and we were texting each other I LOVE YOU and I HATE YOU all night and taking pointless pictures. goodness we are retarded. esty sent me a fuckload of texts during dinner. she apparently got her makeup done professionally for some reason, i have no fucking clue why? she sent me pictures and texted: "what are you doing tonight?" and i texted back "drinking my sorrows away." ahaaaaa

krista and emilie were really nice, i'm glad i got to talk to them at dinner, i hardly ever even see them around. i sat across from emilie and josh. josh ordered french onion soup because apparently he's a french onion soup connoisseur?

i am somehow gotten a quasi-reputation as a chronic stoner. NOT fair, i was actually quite offended when bryan and otie brought it up. this is partially due to ester, she was talking about how funny and strange i get when i am high last time when she was at dinner with the same bunch of people. they all want to see me get high. goodness.

the dinner i ordered was shitty and unfilling for total of $23, but i guess the margarita was cheap, so whatever. otie and i were planning to go to the rivoli on queen west to the rrj magazine fundraiser party, but we were discouraged by the thought of paying $12 cover after spending so much on dinner. ahhh well. i still have hannah's fake id but i have to return it to her because she actually needs it.

what else? oh yes bryan was being very creepy i wanted to smack him in the head. ugh i am never talking to him again. he's like a less annoying version of dave (my friend at queen's), but is still SO CLINGY AHHHHHHHHHH. i excluded myself from the conversations on one end of the table because i didn't want to talk to bryan. god i am so moody. hil and i had a grand time poking each other and making fun of lee though. lee was raving all night about the usual shit she raves about, i.e. the hills, laguna beach, perez hilton, britney spears, what-have-yous. dear lord why in the world is she so dumb?! she is an insult to journalists everywhere. her greatest goal in life is "writing exciting news stories" just like the ones in seventeen magazine - you know, those quasi-articles in stupid girl mags about "HOW I RUINED MY SUMMER BY OVER-DRINKING" or "HOW I LEARNED TO DEAL WITH ANOREXIA". dear fucking lord! they're not even articles, you could churn that shit out in your SLEEP! i dont know how we managed to make fun of her all night without her noticing, i was sitting next to her but she was too engrossed in her laguna beach talk with sean.

otie said i make her feel naturally high, in other words when i'm around her she feels automatically giddy and hyper. which is funny because i'm totally not an energetic person? she says because i'm so chill she becomes the total opposite. interesting?

too bad i didn't take my camera to the dindin, our margaritas were picture worthy.

it was a fun night, after the dinner we hugged all the commuters goodbye. then hil and i went to her room and read nylon mag and played retarded computer games and sing elton john songs and youtube Hole videos and listen to weezer and stalk lee on facebook. do we sound like evil people yet?

in march there is a residence formal, i have not yet bought a dress yet but a bunch of jschoolers are going together. i am actually excited for this stupid thing. can you believe it? otie and josh will be there and so will bryan (ugh) but that's ok i think i will be trashed enough to not mind. emilie and krista invited the bunch of us to pre-drink with them on their floor. okayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. totes excited!

wow this blog post is fucking huge and pretty much pointless.

sixteen candles

oh yeah i forgot. i will put up all of the montreal trip pictures later. here are a few random picks

two weekends ago i went to montreal to see my highschool friends, if you didn't know. stories to come. you can read lara's version of the trip here. i can't believe it's already been two weeks. time flies.

automatic flowers

hillary taught me this song and it goes

STOP! DON'T TOUCH ME THERE
THIS IS MY PRIVATE SQUARE
R-A-P-E
GET THOSE HANDS AWAY FROM ME!

it was fun times.

++

writing an essay due in 2.5 hours. at 889 words. my last two paragraphs have been the shittiest things i've ever written in my life. aha

my body's hating me so much right now. i have a headache and my shoulders feel tight and my right hand is constantly cold and my right wrist very sore. i caught my hand having random muscle spasms today and it was painful. what the fuck? i've stretched every day and i still feel tight like i'm wound up in a metal chain. when i'm done this essay i'm going to bed. i must go swimming tomorrow to loosen up my stiff body.

ps. why the fuck is it so cold in my room? jesus.

hmmmmmmm

seriously though
i'm really pissed
if i never believe in a god, this is why
there is too much suffering in good people
and i hate it
its too unfair
i fucking hate this.

you should know

well well well the bad news never ends does it? i was just going to go to sleep after checking my email, and what do you know? someone emails me that a very close family friend of mine (and my sister's) is now blind due to his degenerative eye disease. he was a secondary school math teacher and now he's confined to bed forever. he had two recent surgeries to ease the pain, but there is no cure.

fuck all

i think her name's debra

postscript: oh yea i forgot it was my dad's birthday three days ago. i just realized that today at about 10pm and i felt severely depressed for about five minutes then proceeded to text my sister and mom that i felt like a retard. my mom said she forgot too hahahaha which may or may not have been a lie, since my sister said she remembered.

the bad thing is, i talked to my dad on msn about two days ago and didn't say anything about his birthday, so he OBVIOUSLY knows i forgot. goshdarn i'm an idiot.

i am seeing my dad this summer because i'm spending a month or so in korea. i am super super stoked and shouldn't announce it until everything's confirmed but whatever. my dad is more stoked than i am. it will be just me and him hanging out! oh my fucking god! some solid father daughter time i haven't had since i was what... nine years old? without my sister too, that's a plus (though i guess it could be a minus too, in some ways). my only problem is that he's going to try to goad me into seeing his side of the family, make me go to church every sunday, and tell me to be nice to his spoiled dog. i kind of despise his spoiled puppy. but i guess i can sacrifice all this, even the church thing, because i will assimilate and learn. (hahahahahahahahahahahahaha.) i will be living at a homestay or rent an apartment next to dad's. his apartment is fucking tiny, even for him and his dog alone. i haven't been in korea since summer before grade 12. SUPERRRRRR EXCITEDDDDDDDDDDD if you couldn't tell. dooood.

on an unrelated note: sam invited me to come to a most serene republic concert this saturday with her and her bf, but honestly, kira is going to be there and so is kate and so is lauryn which doesn't make it all that easy for me to be like "ok i'll come!" LE BARF.

my clementine

sweet adelineeeeeeeeeee
my clementineeeeeeeeeeeeee

this is my friend hillary adeline

we went out, had dinner with some journo kids, ordered huge raspberry margaritas and was giddy for hours. aha, aha. bryan was being really creepy touchy again, le sigh. everyone was super friendly. hilaroo and i spent the entire night making fun of lee. aha aha aha aha aha aha....... we are SUCH PRO SHIT TALKERS. remind me to tell you stories from this dinner later when i'm not fucking tired. ahahahahaha so funnayyyyyyyyyyyyyy

anyway after the dindin hil and i spent hours in her room playing weezer jam session (an online game like guitar hero for weezer songs! omgzorz!) and reading nylon magazine and listening to hole and youtubing parts of 'almost famous'. then we took these because we're fuckin awesome. ya they scare me too

WE HOPE YOU ENJOYED THESE SUPER POINTLESS PICTURES. MORE STORIES LATER. GOODNIGHT (HOLY CRAP I AM GOING TO BED AND IT'S ONLY 129AM.)

make whole grains and milk part of your day!

i just went through my entire collection of 6,534 photos on flickr and deleted about 400-500 useless pictures. so everything on there is now glance-worthy okay!

i just tried to cleanse my archives too, but it was so much work, i can't possibly censor all the s talk i've been doing the last two years secretly via a blog. ha ha. at least recent posts will be semi decent.

jebus.

i will be continuing these two activities (cleaning up my flickr and my blog) for the next little while. i really need a pseudonym other than fenny. suggestions?

tada.

wondering why he's here at all

film photos by ester from january (some are unintentional double-exposures!)

leaf mural


crystal meth lady who offered to pose for us. saw herself as a marilyn monroe. awesome stuff.


heart exclamation


sipping swirly marble

put it in the past

some new outfits a la lara and jenny (as previously nearly-identically blogged at wheaties and beer on feb. 22)

wheaties and beer lara and jenny had an amazing weekend in montreal to start off their reading breaks! then lara spent a few days in toronto, and the two friends spent lots of moolah on queen street west shopping. check out some of their new outfits!

vintage shirt with a giant deer. and new yellow belt


happy after participating in mindless consumerism.


american apparel distressed tee!


a whole lotta flags. that's because internationalism is cool.


cheap monday shirt for $25! the store i bought this from is my newest obessison.




wow, superstar


vintage hat; i look like a golf caddy!


vintage polo shirt that cost $8


i wish there were a korean flag, you know, the red/blue yinyang.




they didn't have vice magazine this month!


michigan state


american apparel again

hooray for shopping!