previously unpublished

i feel soooo dead.

i have about 7 books to read and i feel like taking a nap... right on top of all the unfolded laundry on my bed

my room is a giant mess.

move mountains

ps. this sort of shit always happens. aka ive been wanting to go to sasquatch festival since the beginning of time, aka grade ten, and when i implored the possibility of going to it back then, no one listened. now that i am completely uninterested in going, my friends are keen on going. ugh

here is the lineup for sasquatch festival, and the only ones i even remotely care about are m.i.a. and beirut and stephen malkmus and destroyer.

R.E.M. / The Cure / The Flaming Lips U.F.O. Show / Death Cab For Cutie / Modest Mouse / M.I.A. / Flight Of The Conchords / Rodrigo Y Gabriela / Michael Franti & Spearhead / The Breeders / Built To Spill / The Hives / The Kooks / Tegan & Sara / Ghostland Observatory / Ozomatli / The New Pornographers / Blue Scholars / The National / Stephen Malkmus & The Jicks / Cold War Kids / Beirut / Rogue Wave / Okkervil River / Fleet Foxes / Kinski / Mates of State / Sera Cahoone / Crudo (featuring Mike Patton & Dan The Automator) / Battles / Destroyer / Dyme Def / The Blakes / Pela / Jamie Lidell / The Cops / Dengue Fever / Siberian / Say Hi / White Rabbits / David Bazan / The Little Ones / "Awesome" / Dead Confederate / The Heavenly States / 65daysofstatic / Grand Archives / Vince Mira with the Roy Kay Trio / Joshua Morrison / Throw Me The Statue / J. Tillman / The Shaky Hands / Thao Nguyen with the Get Down Stay Down / Matt Costa / The Cave Singers

because you loved me

oh yeah. something in me broke this weekend, i dont know what, but as a result, i downloaded and listened to CELINE DION SONGS this morning. 100% true story. yes, i know it's fucked up. i really dont know why why why. i listened to "because you loved me" about 10 times, which is 10 times too many. at home mom had one celine dion cd that she played all the time and thats where i know the song from, really.

word.

park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me

jen and e-star, way back in the past. this is all you get because i am too
lazy to upload my new pictures that actually go with the content of this post

this was posted about 24 hours after it was written:

woooooooooooooo long and pointless day/nite.

woke up at noon, had an intense convo with ray over the phone for an hour, cleaned my room and did the dishes (which took two hours), ate "breakfast" at 3pm, talked on the phone with dara for an hour and a half, went grocery shopping, then met up with ester. we went to urban outfitters and she bought a fisheye camera (amazing), then we went to her grandparents' house and we walked their dog named Storm while i took pictures and called up my friends i knew to see if they were going to seri's big fucking housewarming party. adam is in hamilton so he didn't go, ray didn't because she had to do an interview for her assignment, nic has an out-of-town friend over and otie is having dinner with her feminist friends and this is the part i realize that i dont have many close friends. sam went, but she was (obviously) accompanied by kira and her crew, whom i obviously despise. even tho my entire floor went (seri used to live on my floor) and so did some journo kids, but the thought of being in the same room with them just made me want to heave. i didnt really feel like going anyway, i have these stupid days when i am trying to force myself to socialize but TOTALLY don't feel like it, aka i want to be alone away from crowds but simultaneously need someone and feel totally lonely, and think all day "im lonely, im lonely." ahahaha. that sounds pathetic on paper. anyway after walking storm in rosedale, esty and i went out for dinner at a thai place on yonge, then we contemplated these crazy and "deep" hypothetical situations while experimenting with her new fisheye camera. afterwards we bought a tub of ben & jerry's strawberry cheesecake ice cream and ate half of it between us when we got to ester's room. we tried ice cream on triscuit type crackers, it was v. delicious and it makes you feel like you're eating some kind of healthy snack, like cream cheese on fibrous crackers or something. aha aha aha. then we watched disney's beauty and the beast, which i now dub THE MOST AMAZING MOVIE EVER. by the first minute i was all, oh man, this is my childhood haunting me back again, i fell in love with it completely once more. by the time we were done the movie we just zoned out listening to music then she said she had to go to bed so i walked home at 2 in the morning while talking to my mom on the phone. i trapezed over drunk people in the street very efficiently while keeping a conversation going. now im at my desk and i realize i have ICE CREAM STAINS on my sweatshirt, which is, um, disgusting. i suppose i shouldn't have eaten in ester's bed. ester wanted to smoke cloves that joan gave her but i said ehn. btw i can sort of see how people get hooked on drugs. i should lay off smoking anything for a while. maybe get rid of this weird semi-reputation as a chronic. haha funny how i smoked cigarettes in montreal. nooot.



total spent for the day: $15 on groceries, $13 on dinner, $7 on ice cream (and i suppose ttc fare). total spent on the day is $35. hahaha.

when i was at urban outfitters, i had and impulse to buy all my furniture/whatevers from there for my house next year. haha who is a victim of consumerism?

saw hannah today, so good seeing her, every time i see her she reminds me that extremely intelligent and uncorrupted people still do exist on this miserable and wonderful planet.

i figure since it's already march 1st, i should make a birthday list. my birthday is in mere three months, you know. things i want:
- a colourful quilt from urban outfitters
- a thick sweatshirt
- charles mingus albums
- money for my summer trip?

i am in love with urban outfitters and its semi-snobby pretentious shit.

when i wake up in the afternoon i will be 700 pounds from all the ice cream i ate today.

not for all the love in the world

xiao told me she did acid yesterday with her friends because they were beyond bored. oooo dear lord. if i ever do drugs out of boredom, someone please SHOOT ME.

hey your eyes are shooting stars

watched before sunrise tonight, which was romantic bullshit wrapped up in awesome european setting (vienna) and good conversation and hot actors. julie delpy is fucking hot, she is half hippie with flowy hair and she has a manly walk. maybe all french women are. it was a good movie

then i listened to hole songs and wrote lyrics all over lara's facebook wall while i listened

hil invited me over to her house in nowheresville, ontario (population 2,400). sounds awesome i wanna go. ahahahahahaa.

just marinating in my exhaustion right now. after finishing my english essay at 9pm, i went swimming then went to the sauna then took forever having a shower and drying my hair at the gym. then i came back to rez and my room's a fucking mess and i have no food in my room and i really need to buy crackers or noodles.

listening to leonard cohen now and i really really should go to sleep soon.

tomorrow ray and i are going to go look at a potential future home IF everything goes according to plan. it's in the fucking annex ahahaha we are sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo awesome.

used to be one of the rotten ones and i liked you for that

kevin drew is pretty much superman

did you see him

i wish
i'm just going by your screenname

aha
aha
sry i am slow.

but bss has to be on my shortlist of like, five bands i need to see
itsok

i fell in love with him when i saw him

you said aha twice
yeah, i would too

he was sweaty and after the first encore he brought out a bag of lays chips and ate them.
they were sour cream and onion

my favourite flavour

ahahaha its meant to be eh

except once in a while when you get a really good bag of bbq

haha
mm bbq

when did you see them?

in 2006?
cant remember exactly
some year november

ah, right on
i missed the boat. they're too "trendy" now

ah i guess. i know what you mean

no, i still really want to. they just dont play anything except festivals and big city it seems like
same with every band
lame

aw
come out here

one of these years
actually, april.
but umm.. for baseball. not for bands

hahaha

i need a car
cars suck though. i need a fuel cell car
do anything fun tonight?

no not really actually. im really tired but i dont want to go to sleep
just lisetning to music and zoning out right now
what about you

went drinking for the second night in a row. and i pretty much graduate on wednesday, which mean more drinking. and talked about incubus a lot. weird
sleeping sux

you pretty much graduate on wednesday! whaaaaaaat.
doood

i know. terrifying

jebus

i still have half a semester left but it's "iron ring" day, which is a big cultish enginering rite of passage. and it's terrifying

oh you get your ring!
thats awesome haha

and a good excuse to have my stomach pumped
yeah!
i know.
it;'s going to be wonderful
and terrifying
anyway. i need to eat something and get to bed

cooooooooooool

have a good night

okies
you too
nites xo

ox makes more practical sense. ox

in that case ox

she obliterated everything she kissed

I am doll eyes
Doll mouth, doll legs
I am doll arms, big veins, dog bait
Yeah, they really want you, they really want you, they really do
Yeah, they really want you, they really want you, but I do too
I want to be the girl with the most cake
I love him so much it just turns to hate
I fake it so real, I am beyond fake
And someday, you will ache like I ache
Someday, you will ache like I ache
I am doll parts
Bad skin, doll heart
It stands for knife
For the rest of my life
Yeah, they really want you, they really want you, they really do
Yeah, they really want you, they really want you, but I do, too
I want to be the girl with the most cake
He only loves those things because he loves to see them break
I fake it so real, I am beyond fake
And someday, you will ache like I ache
Someday you will ache like I ache