i am not dysfunctional

not my photography, but my friend wesley's

hello all.

i've had a sort of insane last few days. thursday and friday i worked on a crapload of schoolwork, barely sleeping or eating or even getting out of my hidey hole room. finished my two philosophy papers with two minutes left in deadline (thanks for the offer sooz! but i didnt see your comment until now, haha). handed in my visual journals with 5 minutes left of deadline. took a giant, giant, giant nap on friday, from 1pm to 6pm. i woke up when oatie called me, gleefully informing me that she'd succeeded in buying a bottle of wine from the liquor store without having been ID'd. haha.

i got ready to go to bryan's house party in north york. met up with oatie and nichole and adam. we crashed emilie's pre-drink party but it turned out to be lame and cliquey so we left first. we took the subway up till sheppard station, then they told us to get off because apparently someone committed suicide by jumping in front of a train. there were firefighters. creeeeeepy.

we took a bus all the way to bryan's house. his high school friends were there plus a few jschoolers. everyone was really very friendly, i didn't feel out of place at all. reeeeeeeally strange how well i mingled, actually. there were a lot of dudes, i met ben, matt, philip, austin, tristan, mike and evan. i saw kevin there and had a good conversation with him. he was on antibiotics because of his wisdom teeth and i was drunk and it probably looked pretty funny to an outsider.

more jschoolers showed up. nicky, sunny, carmella, emilie, krista, nichole, josh, adam, alex, bryan, oatie and me. i must have been pretty drunk because i can't remember half the stuff that happened. oatie and josh and nichole all concluded that i was an "enclosed and secretive" person. that was a riot. we semi-shared life stories and the first thing that came out of my mouth was "ohhhhhhhhhh welll in grade ten i was REALLY REALLY depressed," blablablah. god i shudder to think of what else i said. josh talked about his grade seven depression and his brother who has celebral palsy.

oatie wanted to go home at about 1am so she and josh and i walked to the bus stop in the fuckin' freezing cold and i ended up barfing next to the bus stop. "very neatly, too," said josh. it was my first time throwing up from drinking and it was pretty fuckin nasty. oatie called her parents and told them that she was staying over at my place (lie) and we went back to bryan's because i was so freaking cold and she'd missed her last bus. when i got back i threw up some more in bryan's kitchen while i rambled on like a baby and others took care of me. bryan made me eat crackers but they were fucking stale. HAHAHA. krista made me eat bread. um. ya. "did kevin go home?" i asked bryan in a boozy blur. "ya, hours ago." i totally lost the sense of time. i slept in bryan's bed with oatie.

i woke up at 7am when oatie poked me and said she needed to go. i was still drunk (do not judge me) and i grabbed my purse and coat and left, leaving behind my cellphone and my alcohol, etc. we walked to the subway station when i realized this and i went back to retrieve them, woke up alex, who was sleeping on the couch, and made him look for my cellphone. haha. oatie and i took the subway back, really i was walking in a hazy dream and she was leading me. so early in the morning. on the bus i saw my reflection in the window and i looked like a gurgitated pizza. hahahahaha. i dont even know how i made it back to rez in one piece at 8am. i slept some more after that.

had a fucking disturbing dream afterwards though. there was this narrow white hallway with a million white doors, and once every while, someone would come out barfing up blood and orangey red smoke. each room was a hotbox but for some reason the marijuana smoke was red, and not grey. what the fucking hell? there were some other things too but i forget.

the party was pretty awesome fun. the fact that oatie said i was secretive and enclosed made me think though. i'm completely introverted until i get to know someone well, then i want balls-out honesty. it's weird how i could be so polarized depending on who i'm with. i'm pretty close to oatie, but i haven't spent as much time with her, compare to say, ray, who lives in rez.

after waking up i felt so dead, i ate a huge tub of yogurt and melted into my bed and didn't feel like doing anything and kept thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking until i got depressed. i thought about seeing a psychiatrist when i go back to vancouver this summer. i thought about going on medication because it felt so horrible. i was drowning in my own weirdo nonsequitur thoughts.

i had dinner with ray and we talked about depression because her dad's side of the family has three cases of it, her aunt, her dad, and her grandpa, who killed himself. she said lithium made her aunt subdued and jaded and sleepy and compliant, not passionate or angry like she used to. like the zach braff character in garden state when the plane is crashing and everyone around him is screaming, but he's as calm as morning air. and i thought, fuck i dont want to be sleepy and compliant all the time, i dont want to be fake content. so i killed my "maybe i should go on medication" thought and decided i was sick and had a cold and needed to take some fucking cold medicine.

i had some tablets and drank lots of tea and was ready to go to sleep at 9pm, so i snuggled in my bed with a copy of Hamlet, but sleep didn't come. i feel a little better, but still queasy and all. what perfect timing to get sick and depressed, i have a giant, giant, giant article due plus my biggest exam on Tuesday. i think i will get a good night's sleep and work hard tomorrow, though time is ticking and i really don't have any room for procrastination this time.

sam called me and wanted to study for the exam together, and i said okay call me after dinner, but when she did, i totes ignored her call because i was feeling so incredibly sick. now i feel bad because she skipped out on a concert to study with me, but we didn't end up doing that. ughh.

i called lara tonite and i was weirder and more depressed than ever. i called my mom and she told me to snap out of it. hahahaha i love it. for the first time in my life i feel like no one understands me. i dont feel lonely or unhappy or sad but i dont feel happy or excited either. go with the flow. i am invisible. i am smoke.

this is getting too strange. anyway i had to do the weekend justice by writing a fuckin long post about it all. i feel soooooooooo sick and i have way too much work and stress piling up and i can't wait until it's all over on Tuesday. after that, nine days of freedom before one last exam and going home! i can't wait to go home and see uglybeautiful vancouver rain and sit by the fireplace while my mom makes the winter supply of kimchi in our tiny-ass kitchen. fuck i miss that tiny apartment so much, now that i think of it. i think i'm finally homesick.

xo forevs.

ps. if anyone wanted to buy me an early xmas gift, i need to renew my Flickr Pro Account that gives me unlimited photo uploads for one year. it expires this Friday. if you want, please head over to my profile after Friday and click on "buy jenny a Pro Account". much thanks and love.

pps. i haven't blogged about this yet, but some christmas decorations around toronto are lovely.

ppps. photos to be uploaded soon, as soon as my computer de-fucks itself.